It's happening.
The contracts have been signed - in blood, weirdly.
The most anticipated bout in Scottish fitba history WILL HAPPEN. And it WILL HAPPEN on the Grandest Stage of Them All, the Showcase of the Immortals: WRESTLEMANIA!
Scott Brown.
Steven Gerrard.
Mono e mono.
Steven Gerrard on Ryan Kent lashing out at Scott Brown: 'We don't think it was violent conduct and we don't think it was in the face, simple as that.'
— STV Sport (@STVSport) April 4, 2019
More here: https://t.co/jEaIzftIda pic.twitter.com/lAXRh9pY8H
Ahead of the fight of the century, we at 90min have been granted access to Steven Gerrard's diary*:
*Not really, this clearly a parody, but just enjoy it for what it is: a bit of craic.
Monday 1st April:
Extensive negotiations with the Scottish FA, the WWF and my wife have finally concluded. The fight is official. I've signed a mega money contract to beat the holy Jesus out of Scott Brown on Sunday in the main event of WWF's Showcase of the Immortals. I am buzzing.
That rodent is finally going to get what's coming to him.
I called a team meeting today with the lads to break the news. What I did to break the news was absolutely brilliant. I'm funny.
I put on my favourite Liverpool bathrobe with "Gerrard 8" on the back, got Steven Davis to pour out some dry ice, and I burst through the door to my favourite song: 'You'll Never Walk Alone' by the Kop.
When I told the lads, they all jumped up and screamed: OHHHHHH YAH BEAUTAYYYYY!!!!"
It was brilliant. I'm brilliant.
Much better than that useless sack of sh*t Scott Brown.
Tuesday 2nd April:
I received an email from the WWF today, telling me that I had to write a few 'promos' to sell my fight. I replied: "Sell my fight? I am box office. I've sold out stadiums across the globe. Put my name in lights and the people will buy tickets."
They then replied: "Can you write a few promos please?"
I then replied: "What's a 'promo'?"
Then they explained.
So I said: "Leave it to me. I'm a natural with the words. I'm like Will Shapeshere, only better."
I then came up with some great one liners to roast Scott Brown with:
- What's black, white and red all over? Scott Brown after I beat him up.
- Floats like Steven Gerrard, stings like Steven Gerrard - Steven Gerrard can volley everything he can see.
-
I'm the new Conor McGregor. Only better because I'm a Scouser.
Wednesday 3rd April:
I've drafted in Alfredo Morelos to help me train for the Scott Brown demolition. He's had a few run-ins with the weirdo before and come out on top, so I thought it would be a stroke of sheer genius to bring him into the gym with me.
It was.
I am brilliant.
Morelos showed me how to do the elbow smash he used to drop Brown during the Old Firm recently, and his stamp manoeuvre that he used earlier in the season.
The elbow smash is a devastating move. I'm going to smash Scott Brown's face so hard with that he's going to become a flat-earther. In other words, it'll knock some much needed sense into him.
Thursday 4th April:
Today Jon Flanagan stopped me in the corridor and offered me some tips on how to attack Scott Brown on Sunday. It was really nice of him to offer, so I accepted his offer. Flanno is a lovely lad.
He's also a brilliantly fighter. I didn't expect him to be good, but he was great. He had every move you can think of in his locker: t
Flanno was brutally honest with me at times too, which was really refreshing. I know I'm brilliant, probably the best, but even the best can be better. He said I need to work on my footwork a bit, so I've decided to book an open training session at Anfield on Saturday to just that.
Friday 5th April:
As I'm going to be the main event of WWF's Showcase of the Immortals, I need to wear an iconic kit to the ring. A kit that I was made immortal in on one famous night in Istanbul.
So on Friday night, while I was nursing a Cinzano catching up on some Mrs. Brown's Boys I turned to Alex and said: "Alex, go get the kit."
Alex jumped off the sofa and went straight up to the loft and got the kit.
The kit I was made immortal in.
The Liverpool kit that I changed the world in: the Istanbul kit.
Saturday 6th April:
Open training session day. The Anfield faithful are excited and so am I.
I arrived at the Mecca at around midday, and made my way onto the hallowed turf where I gave so many people so much joy for so many years.
I was greeted by millions, if not thousands, of Liverpool fans who were all sitting in the Kop to watch me train.
As always, I gave the people what they wanted.
Free kicks, 40 yard screamers, a few half volleys. My whole repertoire.
Now, I am ready. I'm ready to show that Scottish freak Scott Brown that he should never have messed with the great one (me).
Once again, I will win because I'm a winner. I'm brilliant. Scott Brown is not. He's just a poor man's Danny Mills.
Source : 90min