He tells the audience that he could really do with a custard pie and turns to the side of the stage, expecting to have one thrown in his grinning face. Instead we see an accountant shaking his head and making the 'money' signal with his thumb and forefinger. Krusty sighs so the accountant throws his briefcase at him instead. This came to mind when I saw Andriy Voronin waddle onto the pitch in Lyon.
Money doesn't always mean quality, of course. I still shudder at reading that 'this new lad won't be any good. He didn't cost enough' on one internet board. He was talking about Yossi Benayoun. The fact us for every Robbie Keane there's a Sami Hyypia and for every Glenn Johnson there's a Josemi. Sometimes you get what you pay for, some times you don't. Last week, as the Ukraine Train (delayed) hurtled towards the Lyon goal most of us expected a goal kick or a back pass and were duly rewarded. I'm not having a go at him as such as he's nowhere near as bad as people make out, just bad, but just pointing out that this where confidence gets you. This is the man who bollocked the Kop when he got the late winner against Lazio so I'd like to think he does want to play better. He just can't. He's not Torres and I know only one man who is. Would Ngog have scored that? Well, I would have liked to see the option.
Credit to Babel for his goal and his emotional celebration. It meant the world to him and, infuriating as he can be, it was nice to see it meant something. When he scored the fourth against Arsenal in 2007 he performed one of my favourite celebrations. A point to the heavens followed by a nonchalant stroll to the corner flag. He was walking towards me at the time but I was making an impromptu tour of Block 202 and my heart was bouncing around my ribs so I missed it. To go from one arrogant, cocky celebration to one that expels relief shows how far he's fallen. Welcome back Ryan. You could have been a hero this week. You were so close.
I've never been an advocate of the good luck/bad luck theory but we've obviously been shooting a few albatrosses of late. Lyon offered nothing and came away with qualification while we worked our arses off and came back to Rafa Out headlines. These things happen. Some delight in it and others shrug it off. If Fiorentina beat Lyon we'll be fighting the Hungarians for the humiliating Europa League and we won't see a Saturday 3pm kick off again this season. Part of me would welcome the idea. A victory would mean that we've won the UEFA Cup more than anyone else and we always win it in Germany.
Ah, but what about the lost revenue? Well, that's not my problem and it won't be until ticket prices reach, you know, Fulham away proportions. Some see progress in the 75% Not Champions League as a victory at the bank rather than on the pitch and I could never celebrate that. Great news everyone, we can pay this month's interest. That'll learn 'em. Of course I want the team to do well and would rather that we didn't have accountants standing on the bench advising Rafa on his appearance related increments if he wants to bring a new signing on but I only celebrate goals and final whistles, not paying back a loan we neither wanted nor needed.
The season's problem has not been the lack of attacking options but the lack of defence. Agger returned in France and showed his strengths - covering, reading the game and that lovely Hansenesquse lollop up the pitch without challenge. Krygiakos is a decent bag of spuds defender as Sami was in his early days, not blessed with skill but necessarily brutish when he needs to be. Usually that's a good enough pairing for any team. Jack Charlton once said that every time he hears of a defender who can bring the ball out he mumbles a sorry 'Oh, Christ!' but I think that's harsh. A centre back defender needs to ennoble the art of grace under pressure and calm his teammate down. Sadly there's no such thing as calm in our back four, everyone seems to be panicking. I'm not saying it's 1997 and James' Nintendo all over again but we've lost the skill of basic defending and when we lose three headers in the box in one attack we're always going to struggle. It's up to Rafa to pick his first back four and drill them hard as Houllier used to with the 2001 side. Of course he's trying to do that already but the message isn't getting across. Rafa is more of a defensive coach than some gung-ho Svengali so it's all the more confusing. Meanwhile, at the other end of the pitch we still seem to score when we're playing badly. At least we're half way there.
And so to Birmingham. There was something about the ending of the first Rocky film about the game. Two shots, two goals. The heroes manage to be beaten to a puree and still survive at the end. I expected to see their team bellow 'Adrienne!' to the bench come the final whistle. The result aside, and I'll own that that's not always the best policy, we were superb. Once Riera had gone off and a half fit Gerrard entered the fray we were all over them. If Johnson continues to play like that he's going to have a great future here. His start has been incredible and a few (me) are eating their words about spending that sort of money on him. We still have the odd shaky performance (Dirk was atrocious and Insua looks downright petrified these days) but as a team there was a marked improvement from Fulham. Times are tough and in some ways that's not always a bad thing (I have masochistic tendencies) as you learn more about your team when the world's against you than when they're running around with trophies. I only complain when people aren't trying. Batter the hell out of eleven defenders and only get a point and I'll keep my mouth shut. As for the dive, well, it's not great but I'm tired of us being nice. I think that's an example of us making our own luck and it paid off for once. Carsley and his ilk can bay all they want.
We have a while to wait for the next game and we'll either have Kenny or Martin O'Neill in the chair if reports are to be believed. The former is old news but O'Neill? Why on Earth would he take the job when he has supportive owners, a decent (expensive) squad and absolutely no love for or from Liverpool? The smug, self serving little toad would be a dreadful appointment, only an Allardyce away from my giving it in altogether. Can't the nation's journalists do better than that? (Rhetorical question).
Man City next. The battle for fourth begins.
Jesus.