The lost art of commentary part one:
Heard in the heat of Southern France
"…And out for Toulouse's first corner.." (Cut to shot of the Toulouse left back taking a throw) …" Oh it's a throw" Santana's Martin Fisher shows why he has made it where he has. MV could feel the disappointment in his voice. Still If MV had to endure the inane ramblings of Dean Saunders for an hour and a half I suppose I would be disappointed too. (More of Deano's "wisdom" later in the season no doubt)
So (og) near yet so far
'Laursen targets Torres' screamed the Daily Mirror last week. 'Aston Villa defender Martin Laursen last night promised Fernando Torres an incomfortable debut and warned Liverpool's record signing 'I'm not scared of you'.
Actual quotes from Laursen: "Hopefully Torres will do well over the season, but not on the first day." True to form Laursen did as much as possible to stop El Nino doing well. Mind you to score an own goal may have been taking it to the extreme. (Not that MV minded at the time !!) Still the at least the Dane did the Villa fans a favour by not returning for the 2nd half.
Frankly it's rubbish
Neverone to shy away from new technology Fwank "pie-eating deflected goal getter"© Lumpalard has given the world 'Frank TV', a partnership with a popular mobile phone company. The new channel (no doubt in widescreen) which will feature Jose's pet hippo 'in candid behind the scenes' clips with Chelski team-mates and cousin Jamie Redknapp (ooooo that'll be insightful - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz).
"I am embarrassed to put a camera in my own face" says Fwank . Hmm if MV's memory serves us correct the last time tubby was known to have been using a camera phone it featured the pie-eater, fellow no-marks Kieron Dyer and Rio Ferdinand and some very open-minded young chavettes, and there was very little attention on his chubby cheeks.
MV will be tuning in to find out whether these video diaries will also feature the Kings Road kebabmuncher (see what I did there) politely asking a willing tart if he could 'c*m on your face'.
The Big (fat 'ead) Decision
As it' only a few weeks until "..he's got a big fat 'ead…" gets another airing MV thought it would only be right to mention another MV favourite: Steve "Spud 'ead" Bruce and his merry band of Bongo's are back in the Premier League. True to from the geordie potato sack has carried on with the notion that the small clubs have all the crap decisions go against them. Point of order Spud: Did you see Nob Styles' performance yesterday.
Whilst we're on the subject
Have you ever noticed that Rob "The new Graham Poll" Styles and Krusty the Clown have never been seen together. A coincidence, MV rather thinks not…
Watch out for the Hampshire retard to star in a remake of a 90's film starring Alicia Silverstone sometime soon. Either that or be consigned to reffing the Portsmouth under 11's Sunday league, which he is still not qualified for.
Partially right Jose
Uber gracious Jose was almost right for once in his assessment of Chelski's 4th sub when he commented that Styles had reffed the game "…Positively…". However, the Portugese whine merchant had neglected to finish the sentence with the word "awful"
Oh yes and the description of your team being naïve and pure, well lets just say now Robben seems to be on his way, you only have Drogba, Ballack and the new king Florent Malouda.
The Bloo Gray Mystery
Did he forget who he was watching??? Still at least he wasn't talking b*ll*x for a change. As for Jamie and McCLown: well there's always Frank TV as the three of them are all bessie mates.
Question of the week
Did Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen design Match of the Day's new pink and blue neon set? One can only imagine it was sanctioned by Camp Lawro. Still it's always good to see that jug eared smug son of a market trader looking uncomfortable. Nothing new there then…
More ramblings that make as much sense as a Rob Styles decision sometime soon, unless have something more urgent or as is usually the case I can't be bothered!!!