FX: (the funeral march, wailing & crying etc)
Announcer: And for those for a nervous disposition, please use another URL . For those who don’t care if they end up in Rampton, read on.
Neddy: Why you foul introductory passage you! Hand back your membership of the R.A.C and read this extract from yesterdays edition of "The Independent"
Announcer: Certainly sir. It appears that over the past few years there has been a large increase in Manchester United supporters, or to give them their Latin name "Bastardus Gloryhuntingus". And once again it falls to one likely Charlie by the name of Neddy Seagoon to stop this foul plague from taking over the nation.
Neddy: Which of course is yet another way of introducing The Highly Esteemed Goon Show! Yes folks, once more I the brave, noble, and overall modest Neddy Seagoon must play the part of private detective. So off I dash up to that rain sodden piece of land that is Manchester
(FX: WHOOSH!)
William Cobblers: Oooooh Mate!
Neddy: My goodness! No sooner have I arrived in Manchester, then I found an old man lying helpless on the pavement, and what's this? Why yudle my thrungnuts, he's wearing a Man United shirt. This means he's caught the dreaded Manc.
William Cobblers: That's right mate. I never used to wear this shirt you know. Why not more than twenty minutes ago I was a City supporter Mate.
Neddy: What happened to change your mind?
William Cobblers: Well mate, there I was walking down the road minding my own business. When out jumps a Scotsman, "What's that up there?" He says. Up I looks and wallop! He gives me a "Glasgow kiss", and when I wakes up I'm wearing this dirty great United shirt Mate.
Neddy: And what is your name, my fine fellow?
William Cobblers: Cobblers mate.
Neddy: There's no need to be rude! I only asked your name!
William Cobblers: That is my name mate! I'm William Cobblers City supporter for over 50 years, I'm an endangered species I am Mate.
Neddy: Yes I remember watching a wildlife documentary on B.B.C 2. Wasn't it called "The decline of the Mancunian Idiot"?
William Cobblers: That's the one mate, that's the one. 'ere mate are you going to try and find this Scotsman what butted me mate?
Neddy: What a brilliant idea! I'll do just that. In fact I'll go and visit the prime suspect a Mr A. Ferguson of Old Trafford.
(FX: WHOOSH!)
Gryptpype-Thynne: Well so here I am chairman of a major Premiership club, and not just any Premiership club of course, but the richest in the land. Moriarty count up the takings of the new away shirt.
Moriarty: You mean the third one this week?
Grytpype-Thynne: Why of course Moriarty, after all we have to keep up with developments don't we.
Moriarty: We made £3m from that particular shirt this week.
(Moriarty and Grytpype sing together): April in Paris, Chestnuts in Blossom.
(FX: WHOOSH!)
Neddy: So this is the heart of empire belonging to the foul Scotsman that's poaching all these supporters.
Grytpype-Thynne: I don't like my supporters poached I prefer them fried.
Neddy: Why you're the foul person that's turning everyone into a Man Utd supporter! But wait a minute you're not a Scotsman.
Grytpype-Thynne: But of course not Neddy. Let me introduce the real villain. Here is Count Jim "Wellington Boots" Moriarty part owner of this football club and semi-retired frog exploder.
Neddy: But he's not Scottish either!
Moriarty: I was wearing an invisible kilt!
Neddy: Gad what a fiendish pair you are! I suppose you'll be launching a special kit for your appearances in the Worthington Cup.
Grytpype-Thynne: Write that one down Moriarty, we haven't tried that yet.
Neddy: Well what do the ordinary Man Utd supporters think of this?
Grytpype-Thynne: Why don't you ask one of the Charlie's? In fact here comes one right now.
Eccles: Hello!
Neddy: Good Heavens! And who is this dishevelled looking moron?
Eccles: I'm the famous Eccles!
Neddy: The famous Eccles? I’ve never heard of you!
Eccles: What? Haven’t you heard of the Manchester ship canal?
Neddy: Of course I have!
Eccles: Well you just look out then!
Neddy: Never mind this nonsense, tell me exactly how long have you been supporting Manchester United?
Eccles: Well erm... I dunno!
Neddy: Well we’re you following them before 1993?
Eccles: Erm.. I dunno!
Gryptpype-Thynne: Stout fellow! Just the sort of charlie.. erm intelligent fellow we need following Manchester United. So tell me Eccles, exactly how much have you spent in the Megastore today.
Eccles: Well erm I bought this lifesize poster of Posh Spice.
Moriarty: Safristi! The three thousand pound version! Money ooh the lovely money!
Gryptpype-Thynne: Moriarty! stop plucking your nasal hairs immediately! I need you to deposit this weeks takings in my swiss bank account!
Neddy: Eccles, Why did you buy a lifesize poster of Posh Spice anyway?
Eccles: Well erm... I’d run out of tooth picks!
Neddy: But I still don’t understand why you’re trying to turn everyone into a Manchester United supporter?
Gryptpype-Thynne: You silly twisted boy, that’s not we plan! This compost heap and I intend to make every club in the country BEHAVE like Manchester United.
Moriarty: And the more clubs we sign up to the scheme, the richer we get! Ooo! lovely money, the crispy notes!
Gryptpye-Thynne: Be quite Moriarty! Do you want us both to fall out of that aquarium?
Neddy: I’ll find a way to stop you, you fiend!
Gryptpype-Thynne: Not a chance Neddy, I’ve even paid off your assistant to take you to our sub branch in Goodison. Here he comes now.
Bluebottle: Enter bluebottle hero of the moment. Pulls out cardboard etch a sketch and pretends to take notes. Thinks I like being the assistant to Gryptpype-Thynne I do. Surely he’ll protect me from the dreaded deading.
Neddy: But bluebottle! How could you betray me like this!
Bluebottle: Well you are the one that deads me every week my Captain
Neddy: (coughs) Yes I’d forgotten about that. I suppose we travel by whoosh again?
Gryptpype-Thynne: Yes Neddy, it’s the most economical way you know. Here Bluebottle escort him to Goodison, and have a dolly mixture for your troubles
Bluebottle: Oh goody! I like dolly mixtures I do.
(FX: WHOOSH! WHOOSH!)
Moriarty: But aren’t those the explosive dolly mixtures timed to go off when the writer runs out of other ideas?
Gryptpype-Thynne: Indeed they are, you foul French scrag. After all I do a certain reputation to live up to.
Announcer: And without further ado, we take you to Goodison Park, for the second part of Moriarty & Gryptpype’s plans
(FX: WHOOSH! WHOOSH!)
Minnie Bannister: Oh my goodness! A pair of whooshes! We’ll all be murdered in our beds! And here I am with my support stockings still on
Neddy: Are you in charge here?
Minnie Bannister: You’ll have to speak to Henry Crun about that, (shouting!) Henry! Henry! There’s a boy and his pet man to see you!
Henry Crun: mnk mnk What’s all this shouting all about? This is a local club for local people. We’ll have no trouble here!
Minnie: We’re not in the League Of Gentlemen Henry!
Henry: I know that Minnie, the writer just wanted to use a catch phrase that was less than 50 years old.
Neddy: Ah Mr. Crun, please tell Mr. Crun You can’t be a sub office of the Dreaded Manc.
Henry: Well it’s true you know, why only last week Minnie here knitted a lifesize babygro of Wayne Rooney to sell in our little shop.
Minnie: That’s right Henry, here you are Mister Seagoon, it should just about fit you.
Neddy: But that’s triple extra large!
Minnie: Well Henry did say it was life size you know!
Neddy: And who is this silver kneed old lady anyway?
Henry: Why you devilish man you! This is Minnie Bannister, the original Toffee Lady!
Minnie: It’s all Liverpool’s fault you know
Neddy: What’s Liverpool’s fault?
Minnie: I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s all Liverpool’s fault!
Neddy: I suppose I’d better check my better check this allegation out, time to go over the park, Bluebottle?
Bluebottle: Yes my Captain?
Neddy: Time to travel by WHOOSH! Again.
Bluebottle: Goody goody! I like travelling by WHOOSH! I do.
(FX: WHOOSH! WHOOSH! Also many large explosions, bangs, gurgles etc)
Major Bloodnok: Oh! Oh! Oooh! Oh! That’s the last time I have vindaloo strength curried beans for breakfast you know.
Neddy: Why it’s Major Bloodnok of the highland division.
Bloodnok: Yes, they sent us off to a far foreign land
Neddy: Where the fly’s roam around in their thousands?
Bloodnok: And there’s nothing to see but the sand!
(Neddy & Bloodnok sing the rest of "Poor Scouser Tommy" together)
Bloodnok: Enough of that nonsense! I have a cure for the Dreaded Manc you know.
Neddy: We’re saved!
Bloodnok: And it’ll only cost you the price of a season ticket laddie, ah Mymushlike!
Neddy: Mymushlike? What’s Mymushlike?
Bloodnok: The back end of a bus!
(FX: TA DA! Also loud explosion, falling masonry etc)
Bluebottle: You rotten swine you! You deaded me! Picks up loose ankles, teeth & head, departs stage left, never to play this game again!
Announcer: And has your club got the Dreaded Manc? Who knows, after all it’s all in the mind you know...
___________________________________________________________________________
Announcer: That was "The Goon Show" Entirely based on characters originally created by Spike Milligan. And played by Peter Sellers, Harry Seacombe & Spike Milligan. This was an LFC Online production.
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